PMQs as-it-happened

11:41 – PMQs. Heard of it? Something about shouting. Well it's back after a rather prolonged absence, and another absence to follow. We had that whole Easter thing and now there's the whole local election thing. So enjoy it while you can. I won't be, not least because I will spend the entire half hour hammering away on a keyboard and also because I am filthy ill and struggling to form coherent sentences. That will be my first disclaimer of the week: apologies for being too sickly to do my job properly. There are also the other, more common disclaimers: apologies for typos, they'll be sorted out once the event is over. And sorry for any offence caused, it's all meant in good spirit. And by good spirit, I mean out of spite.

11:51 – PMQs is followed immediately afterwards by Theresa May's Qatada statement. I'll hang around for that. For a bit of background read this by me.

11:55 – Miliband will surely face at least one jibe on his secret alleged meeting with George Galloway, after which the Respect man decided the Labour leader should be PM. This is what Tory chairman Grant Schapps had to say about it: "With Tony Blair deserting him and George Galloway endorsing him, it's becoming increasingly clear that Ed Miliband is a weak leader whose only plan for Britain is more spending, more borrowing and more debt – exactly how Labour got us into this mess in the first place." Back to the Red Ed tag – something you'll see more of when Cameron constantly references the calls for a general strike from the same unions which contribute to the Labour party.

12:00 – We're pretty much good to go. Cameron is checking through his notes one last time. Scotland Questions starts to sum up.

12:01 – And we're off.

12:02 – Michael McCann (Lab, no-nonsense) his first up. Real earnings are dropping £1,700 since 20010. Will Cameron show remorse or apologise for giving millionaires a tax cut? Cameron: "The people who should be apologising is the party which created this mess in the first place." Standard answer. David Amess (Con, slimy) says his 101-year-old mother wants the EU referendum brought forward. Much mirth in the Commons, which, as you know, has low standards for humour. Miliband gets up.

12:04 – He starts with patients waiting on trolleys in A&E. What does the PM have to say to those waiting hours in A&E? Cameron says he believes in the NHS and is expanding funding. Miliband says Cameron is failing to meet his own targets, the number of people waiting four hours is three times higher than when he came to office. "He needs to explain why an A&E crisis is happening on his watch." Cameron says the target was met for the whole of last year. Jeremy Hunt looks on anxiously from across the chamber.

12:06 – Miliband goes hard on the figures, all of which sound disastrous. "This government left office with the highest patient satisfaction record in the NHS," Miliband barks, wagging his finger. The service is patchwork and fragmented. "If anyone wants to remember Labour's record on the NHS they only have to read the report on the Stafford hospital." That was a big move. Cameron had been decent enough not to make Stafford a party-political issue thus far. He took a big stop there. Shouts of 'shame' in the Chamber.

12:08 – "What happened at Stafford was terrible and both of us talked about that on the day but what a disgraceful slur," Miliband says. He says Cameron took £3 billion from the frontline in a top down reorganisation.

12:09 – Cameron harks back to Labour's policy of not ringfencing the NHS before 2010. He insists the reforms will plough more money into the NHS. Miliband: "He's the guy who cut NHS spending when he came to office and was told off by the head of statistics authority for not being straight with people." Miliband says every hospital was at one point operating beyond the recommended level of bed occupancy during winter. Cameron refuses to budge. "His answer was to cut spending," Cameron says.

12:11 – Miliband. "This is a prime minister with no answer for our A&E services. He's cut the number of nurses. The facts speak for themselves. The NHS is not safe in his hands." Cameron says Wales provides a good example of the NHS under Labour. He reels off some unfortunate stats. "There is no cancer drugs fund. That's what you get under Labour. All the problems you saw at the Stafford hospital will be repeated over again."

12:12 – Miliband took a bit of a pasting there. Nothing too traumatic, but he seemed out of practise and Cameron got the better of him. Snap verdict: Cameron: 2 Miliband: 0.

12:14 – Lee Scott rather enjoyed mocking Chuka Umunna's troubles by citing his description of people in bars in central London (ie: voters) as "trash". A series of welfare questions arrive at Cameron's disposal. Presumably planted – the Tories can't talk enough about welfare.

12:17 – Stephen Hepburn (Lab, drunken Beano) asks when Cameron will try to please someone other than his rich "chums". Yeah, he said chums.

12:18 – Good line from Cameron there – "I thought you were the Labour party not the welfare party". That won't be the last time you hear it.

12:19 – The Labour questions are just as predictable. Another one comes on whether Dave will benefit from the millionaire's tax cut. So far this is a particularly unenlightening, unremarkable PMQs.

12:20 – More on welfare. Reports suggest the PM really will back out of the ECHR over Qatada. That is massive news. Remarkable that it hasn't already come up. It's also remarkable if it's true. It is a huge move which could even split the coalition.

12:21 – Nick Smith (Lab, disappointed butler) asks about victims in care homes. The House hears him in respectful silence. He mentions – I only just realised this – that we're coming up to the 3rd anniversary of Cameron's entrance into No 10.

12:24 – Breaking news: Kier Starmer is stepping down as director of public prosecutions. Here's his statement: "It has been a huge privilege to have led the CPS for the past four and half years. I have enjoyed my time very much and I look forward to continuing to work with my colleagues on the important work of the CPS until my term of office ends."

12:26 – The ECHR news is now dominating events online. Big moment for Yvette Cooper, the shadow home secretary, as she responds to this tricky situation. She probably won't have had much time to think it through with Miliband. Bear in mind Miliband's main tactic thus far in his leadership is to split the coalition. That will be his guiding line here, but he will also be mindful of trying (probably without success) to satisfy tabloid readers while not alienating lefties and liberals. Big ask.

12:31 – Bit of light relief. Cameron reveals he is "the life patron of the Oxfordshire Bee Keepers' Association". Lots of laughter at that.

12:32 – Labour MPs, of course, shout: "Resign." Even Cameron laughed at that.

12:33 – A trivial question from Stephen Metcalf on Labour spending rounds off a session full of such material.

12:34 – OK, May is up. Here we go. May summarises what has happened in the case so far. Reports coming in No 10 have already confirmed we are temporarily pulling out the ECHR. May continues summarising the situation thus far – the appeals and so forth. Now reports are coming in that the Home Office denies that we're pulling out. It's all go over here – a mess of rumours.

12:36 – May says she will appeal to the Supreme Court itself. She's also seeking a mutual agreement with Jordan.

12:37 – The text of the treaty has already been laid before both Houses. She's moving quickly. It sounds extremely robust and should be able to secure deportation May suggests. "Even when the treaty is fully ratified it does not mean Qatada will be on plane to Jordan within days. It will be up to courts to make final decision. In the mean time Qatada should remain behind bars."

12:39 – OK, that's it. No ECHR nothing. It was all a big, half hour, Westminster bubble explosion of rumours and whispers.

12:41 – Cooper, who is having an easier day than we'd originally anticipated, starts asking questions. She wonders whether the treaty supersedes the constitutional court in Jordan. She says Labour will support her though. Will she withdraw from the ECHR, Cooper asks. She cites briefings to the media from No 10. The way Cooper asks that question suggests she would have opposed it if it had happened. Which it didn't.

12:43 – "We want to work with her to make this process work but in the past the home secretary has overstated the evidence, overstated her legal position. None of us want that to happen again." Good, solid stuff from Cooper. She continues to earn plaudits for her Commons performances. She is a steady pair of hands.

12:45 – May's comeback is a bit startled. She tries to highlight inconsistencies in Cooper's positions, but little of it comes across. I've never been more convinced that Labour has the far more impressive candidate in control of the home affairs brief. May: "Does she support what the government has done." Unfortunate. Cooper already said she did. "Will the opposition support what we want to do which is strip out appeals for foreign nationals?"

12:48 – Interesting. May does go some way to holding open the possibility of leaving the ECHR. "We should have all options, including leaving altogether, on the table. The prime minister is looking at all options."

12:49 – OK, I'll bring it to a close there but I'll be updating our Qatada story now with the new developments including May's new throw of the dice with a Jordanian treaty and the chaos from Downing Street on leaving the ECHR. See you during the local elections, when we crank the live blog back up. Enjoy the sunshine.