11:56 – Last PMQs of the session coming up in a minute folks. Get those hankies at the ready. Stock up on the anti-depressants and say kind words to yourself in front of a mirror. Usual caveats apply: Plenty of typos and grammatical and factual errors, some, but not all, of which will be cleared up later. Kick off in a few minutes.
12:02 – And we're off. Cameron looks fresh and excitable after his reshuffle. He's asked why 75% of his Cabinet are still men. He accuses the MP of being "churlish". His hair looks dreadful by the way. A third of Tories around Cabinet table are now women, he says proudly. Really though. Terrible hair.
12:04 – Miliband is up. He says he would always support the government for doing the right thing, so he congratulates Cameron on getting rid of Gove. Why did he demote him? Cameron says the whole House should come together to celebrate Sir George Young, who is leaving after 40 years, and says he wanted the best candidate to replace him as chief whip. Miliband said he once said he wanted Gove to last "many years". Well, he was there for several years. Gove has a practiced perplexed look.
12:05 – They start trading arguments about how many schools built etc. All very unconvincing. As usual, Cameron says Miliband is avoiding the work figures. "His own job looks a bit shaky," Cameron observers. Miliband: "If it's all been such a success, I don't know why he sacked him." Miliband turns to the job figures and lists the numbers of people working in poverty. "Does he think the economy is working for them?"
12:07 – Not sure why Miliband moved off Gove. He was on a potentially rich vein there. Now Cameron is just celebrating the employment stats. "It's disappointing pay isn't rising faster," Cameron admits. But he quotes experts saying it is unsurprising earnings haven't risen faster. And then he blames Labour for the recession, as you'd expect. Miliband counters: "He's in his fifth year as PM and all he can do is blame someone else."
12:08 – Miliband asks if young people are feeling the recovery. Cameron says they're getting people into work and cutting spending. We're now on automatic. That early fiery exchange is gone. Shame. It was much more interesting. Miliband: "He has the worst record on living standards of any prime minister in history. They're shouting weak, I'll telling them what's weak its saying from that despatch box he's happy with his team and then sacking his team." Miliband says the one per cent are getting richer and richer. Cameron: "I'm happy with my team and looking at the shadow chancellor I'm pretty happy with his team too." Good line. Prepared, but good line. Cameron zeroes in on a Harman quote about taxing the middle classes more. There's going to be a lot of this before the election.
12:10 – "Tell us, where are the middle income taxes coming? "Cameron barks. Effective. Miliband: "The reshuffle was nothing to do with the country and everything to do with the party."
12:12 – Party loving Charles Kennedy gets up as Tory MPs are still cheering 'more'. "It's just like the old days Mr Speaker," he says, dryly. His nose must also be dry, because his pink glasses are all the way down them in a way that challenges the laws of physics.
12:13 – Why has Cameron given more knighthoods from men he's sacked than Cabinet jobs for women? Labour really gots the whips to plant question on this. It shows how fearful they are of the Tories improving their image among women.
12:14 – Snap verdict: Cameron 2 Miliband 1. I'm not entirely sure what point Miliband was trying to make today. He went from Gove to work to young people – all around the houses. My hunch is he was trying to tie it up into a 'he cares about the party not the country' argument but it didn't get through. He also seemed rattled by the middle class taxes argument, which he's really going to need a decent answer to, because you can tell that the Tories plan to hammer away on it in the months to come. Cameron had a few effective zingers and you could see that he was upbeat after a broadly positive response to his reshuffle (his reshuffle was terrible, obviously, but most political commentators liked it).
12:18 – Jack Straw, the most slippery man in politics, gets up. He says the attorney genera should be independent and uphold the rule of law. Given the distinction and respect with which Grieves did that, why did Cameron move him? Good question from a man who rarely ventures into sensible territory. Cameron defends his decision unconvincingly. The real reason Grieves was sacked, of course, is to lay the ground for an attack on human rights law.
12:21 – Pat McFaddon asks about Juncker in Europe. He seems so bored by his own question that he struggles to finish saying it without falling asleep.
12:23 – Dan Jarvis, Labour, has the look of a man who thinks more of his abilities than he has any right to. He wants a lights-out campaign for the First World War remembrance. It's a nice idea actually. Cameron seems warm to it. Joan Walley, Lab, asks about funding for health in Stoke in Trent. N.Ireland secretary Theresa Villiers looks at her like a tramp rummaging through a bin for food. Anna Marie Morris, Con, stern and seemingly always on the verge of outrage, ends an inane planted question with "long term economic plan".
12:28 – Richard Ottoway, Con, snarly and creaky and oddly wholesome, says there are serious constitutional issues on the lack of debate about euthanasia. Why only in the Lords and not the Commons? Interestingly Cameron suggests there should be one in the Commons and that he would vote against it – or at least he says he's sympathetic to the argument people might get pushed into ending their life in old age.
12:33 – Ok we're done and not a moment too soon. That's it. We're done for the summer. When PMQs returns there is a slim chance I will have rediscovered the will to live. See you then. Maybe.