PMQs as-it-happened
11:51 – Hello and welcome back to another PMQs. Bit late on today, so we'll just get on with it. Kick off is in eight minutes.
11:58 – Northern Ireland just winding down. It's entirely unremarkable.
11:59 – Andrew Robathan Northern Ireland minister, has a rather desperate voice, an unfortunate combination of earnest and anaemic. Pity him – for his tenor and his career.
12:01 – It's all hanging together with string today I'm afraid. Not going to lie. I've rushed in, late, sweating, no idea what's going on and the internet connection's playing up. Ah. Here's the prime minister.
12:02 – First up is Stephen McPartland, a Tory MP, bit droney, asks a question about trade union blacklisting. Mixed response from the House, as you can imagine.
12:03 – Miliband asks how come Cameron has U-turned on payday lending. When did he go from thinking toying with the market was Marxist madness to reasonable policy? "I'm proud we've intervened to regulate this market properly. I followed very carefully his interview on Desert Island Discs and I think it's fair to say he's no longer a follower of Marx, he's following Engels instead." Miliband is unimpressed. "You'd have thought he would have spent his time being prime minister."
12:04 – That was a Belle and Sebastian joke by the way. "I'm sorry the right hon gentleman has had a sense of humour failiure," Cameron says, picking up the thread from last week. He says Miliband never asked him a question about payday lending. It's right to intervene in the market when needed, Cameron says. "It's the right thing to do and I'm proud that we're doing it." Miliband: "Even by his standards this is a bit rich."
12:06 – "Clearly he wants to claim this is a principled decision, so can he explain why intervening to cap the cost of credit is right, but capping to control energy bills is communism." Cameron: "I feel like one of those radio hosts who say 'and your complaint is caller?'' Beyond the jokes, this is an interesting, meaty debate. He says that because resource prices fluctuate in energy, it's not a mature policy.
12:07 – Miliband presses on with his point about the Tories realising "they're on the wrong side of public opinion". Bercow has to stop for order.
12:08 – "They're shouting because they have no answer," Miliband says. "How are things going to be better this winter than they were in the last? Cameron mentions cold weather payments, winter fuel payment, the warm homes discount, the increase in the pension. That was a pretty good answer. Miliband repeats the question, although it seemed Cameron answered it. Miliband insists the energy bills will be up – undoubtably true. "Why under his government is it acceptable for the British people to pay exorbitant prices form exorbitant profits."
12:10 – Cameron tears into Miliband really quite effectively. Miliband counters: "I'll tell you what's a con, it's saying one thing before the election, and another afterwards. "Miliband quotes complaints about Cameron's alleged 'green crap' quote – but he actually says it. Pretty fruity language for the Commons.
12:11 – "People can see him sitting in his room desperate for more bad news to suit his long term political interests". That was Cameron's last flourish and not a bad one.
12:12 – Snap verdict: Cameron: 2 Miliband: 1. Neither particularly impressive, and certainly nothing memorable. But Cameron edged it and Miliband struggled to land a blow. Cameron celebrates someone's Movember effort and admits "it's something I struggle to achieve myself". So the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is incapable of growing a moustache.
12:14 – Rare bit of cross party agreement, as Cameron backs a Labour MP's comments on Alex Salmond's white paper yesterday. Cameron adopts his grave voice for the remark. He's left the campaign to Darling and Labour – no point having a Tory trying to convince a Scot of anything – but when he switches it on he's not bad at denouncing the prospect of independence.
12:16 – Cameron is asked why he won't exempt disabled people from the bedroom tax. He says they've exempted disabled people who need an extra room. Howls of outrage from Labour benches.
12:18 – Cameron reminds the House he made a wager with the Kiwi PM that he'd wear New Zealand cufflinks if they won the rugby. They did. He wore them last week for PMQs. No-one noticed. Pete Wishart, bursting with rage says Cameron is being "pathetic" by not debating with Alex Salmond. That was a really, really bad look. Cameron: I know you want every distraction possible." Bercow steps in: "For future reference you shouldn't be yapping at the prime minister like an over-excited dog."
12:21 – Hazel Blears and her hair – HER HAIR – asks about dementia action at the G8, with money for support and prevention as well as a cure. Bob Stewart, Con, booming, says Spain opened one of our "diplomatic pouches" near the Rock.
12:23 – Tim Yeo is up. uh oh. Ah, it's okay, something about tolls on roads. No messiness here. No deselection to mention. Nothing to see here.
12:25 – Nick Harvey, Lib Dem and looks it, wants reassurances for rural schools. it;s hard to offer much, surely. They are in school. In a rural area. Funny thing about that Tim Yeo question – if he'd bothered to turn up last week, he would have heard an identical question asked.
12:27 – Breaking news: Balls has a new hand gesture. It is about energy bills going up. Sigh. Look at how wonderfully imaginative he is. Eric Ollerenshaw, Tory, remarkable name, raises pancreatic cancer. The health outcomes sound very bad indeed.
12:28 – So many planted questions from MPs. So few of them able to actually read words on a piece of paper. George Mudie, Lab, the latest culprit.
12:29 – Diane Abbott stands, promoting her mayoral bid, and raises job losses at TfL. Is that how to raise living standards? She speaks like she's talking to a child. Cameron defends Boris. "The conversation the honourable lady needs to have is with the trade unions who have done so much damage to our Underground."
12:32 – Steven GIlbert, Lib Dem, very veiny, asks something about Cornish apprenticeships. Cameron answers, barely awake. Geraint Davies Lab, says a sub-prime debt crisis will hit after the election because of his policy. Good question. And with that, we're done. Thank God. That really was dreadful, even by PMQs standards. Next time it gets that dull I'm going to start performing an agit-prop one-man theatrical show here in the press gallery and live blog that instead. Thanks for sticking with it. We'll be back next week, and then the day after that for the autumn statement. See you then.
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