PMQs as-it-happened
11:11 – Hello. I am sick. I believe they call it man flu, but my male brain feels it very much as flu. Real flu, common-garden, debilitating, brain-scrambling flu. Your regular PMQs commentary may therefore be interrupted by periods of bafflement and self-pity. I apologise in advance for any inaccuracies or grammatical or spelling errors, of which, believe me, there will be many. To give you a taster, it's taken me about two minutes to remember how to spell the word 'flu'.
11:17 – Anyway, today's clash should be interesting. Ed Miliband will be tempted to lead an attack on Nick Boles' criticisms of the Tory leadership's direction. It would be impossible for an opposition leader to resist it. Boles said: "The single biggest problem the Conservative party faces is being seen as the party of the rich." How could Miliband resist? It would be nice if he would though. Boles' comments are the kind of honest, plain-spoken political discourse we deserve more of. A PMQs attack, which seems almost inevitable, just serves to discourage it.
11:20 – As for David Cameron, he is likely to try and turn the debate onto former Co-op bank chairman Paul Flowers, who has been suspended from the Labour party for buying drugs. He previously resigned as a councillor for checking out some gay porn on his laptop. The Tories are pushing very hard on this in classic 'who-knew-what-when' style. Personally, I couldn't care less what a councillor or a Labour member gets up to in their spare time as long as they're not hurting anyone, but I'm told that not everyone agrees. Anyway, Cameron will try to focus on the story and expect lots of planted questions from Tory MPs about how Miliband's relationship with Flowers. Kick off is at 12:00.
11:43 – We're currently on Wales Offfice questions. It's a barrage of tedium and dross, but I'll cover anything worth mentioning. David Jones, secretary of state, looks like he's quite done with the politics thing. Elfyn Llwyd, Plaid Westminster leader, is asking a question. He is one of the few men in Westminster, or indeed the western world, who is brave enough to wear a moustache outside of Movember.
11:44 – Alun Cairns is wearing one of the most appalling tie/shirt combos I've ever seen. A nasty, massive sky blue tie splattered on a striped blue and white shirt. Looking at it is like being savaged by a trout.
11:47 – Kevin Brennan (Lab) is telling MPs about how one of his earliest memories is of crossing some sort of toll booth on some sort of road in South Wales. The world becomes a little darker, a little more pointless.
11:50 – Michael Fabricant (Con) does his best impression of a homeless man stumbling into the Commons Chamber. "If the National Assembly is going to smell like a parliament…" he starts. David Jones replies: "I'm not entirely sure how a parliament smells, Mr Speaker."
11:53 – Stephen Crabb, Wales Office minister, has one of those beards which looks like it's been trimmed to within an inch of its life. Arguably the most stylish government minister (Umunna edges him on shadow front bench). At some point, I assure you, there will be substantive political analysis. But not on Wales questions.
11:57 – Owen Smith, shadow Wales secretary, is asking a question. He looks like an extra in a 1980's comedy.
11:58 – Just as Cameron enters the Commons chamber a loud rumble of thunder breaks over London.
12:00 – Crispin Blunt gets a sustained and enthusiastic response from the Tory benches after his reselection. He laps it up.
12:01 – And we're off. Winchester Tory MP Steve Brine kicks off. Cameron pays tribute to a serviceman killed in Afghanistan.
12:02 – Brine obviously starts the attack on the Co-op. "Does the PM share my sense of disbelieve that a person such as Flowers was ever appointed to the position of chairman."
12:03 – "If anyone has information they should stand up and provide it to authorities," Cameron says. And of course Miliband then gets up, triggering huge noise from the Tory benches. Miliband asks how his campaign to save the Chipping Norten children's centre is going. Cameron says he fights for services in his constituency. "They are going round saying there is no threat to the centres – but he's signed a petition in his own area to save it. Is it signed to the Tory council or is it going right to the top?" Miliband asks, cheekily.
12:05 – "We all wish him luck in his fight as a local member of parliament. Imagine what he could achieve if he was prime minister." Very effective from Miliband.
12:06 – Cameron reels off his achievements on children's services and care. He seems a little irritated. But he looks stronger mocking Labour for saying they'll fund their policy with a bank levy, which they've used several times. "This isn't a policy. It's a night out with Reverend Flowers." Miliband: "Let's talk about the people he associates with. He's taken £5m from Michael Spencer, whose party was found to be rigging libor rates." He goes on to attacks Grant Shapps and others. "And they're just the people I can talk about in this House. Didn't the housing minister have it right yesterday when he said the biggest problem facing the Tory party is being seen as the party of the rich?"
12:08 – Cameron jumps on the attempt to attack Miliband's relationship with Flowers. Miliband responds with an attack on Boles. We are where we expected to be. "We've finally found an inquiry he doesn't like," Cameron mocks. The PM has the upper hand now. He presses it, citing Miliband's nervy thoughts on Balls. The pair look uncomfortable.
12:10 – Miliband visibly rattled now. "His close friend the planning minister is right…" he quotes Boles at length. "What he's really saying is this prime minister is a loser." That was awful. Miliband looked like a limp bully. Cameron: "He can't ask about banking because he's mired in his own banking scandal. He is too weak to stand up to the trade unions, the bankers or his shadow chancellor. We all know he'd be a nightmare and that's why we're dedicated to making sure the British people don't have to go through it."
12:13 – Cameron slaps down the Northern Irish attorney general's call for an amnesty. "No plans to legislate for any amnesty for crimes," he says.
12:16 – David Burrowes (Con) looks horribly pleased with himself. He asks something about a local hospital but I couldn't get past his dreadful features. Total brain shut-down.
12:17 – Karl Turner wants a PM congratulation on Hull becoming City of Culture. Cameron says it's very exciting, while keeping a straight face. He mentions Wilberforce and Larkin but also that Mandelson is sheriff. "Every town has its cross to bear".
12:19 – Cameron just did something remarkable. He referenced a tweet posted by former Labour MP Tony McNulty during PMQs. Actually during the session. We've never seen that before.
12:23 – McNulty tweets back: "Cameron pathetic if he thinks quoting me talking about EdM's pmq performance is a serious attack on EdM – really weak and vacuous attack"
12:24 – Michael Meacher (Lab) – sorry I dropped off for a moment there – suggests Britain is at the bottom of the list for inward investment, after Guatemala. "When can Britain expect to catch up with Mali." Cameron replies: "The mind altering substances have taken effect."
12:28 – When Cameron made the joke both Miliband and Balls looked to the Speaker expecting him to step in. Bercow rightly didn't. It was evidently a joke rather than an accusation.
12:29 – Cameron has found a strong line of attack by calling Balls a "nightmare" of a shadow chancellor – citing the email response to Balls in that leaked chain.
12:30 – Cameron on properly good form today. Really getting into his stride. Miliband will be watching the clock.
12:31 – James Arbuthnot (Con), the only MP with a surname which sounds like a drunk man trying to make a point, gets a question in on the defence reserves debate later. It could get problematic. Cameron dares Labour to vote against the government as an act of "naked opportunism.
12:33 – Miliband is making a bad day worse by asking for a point of order on the drugs joke. Meacher gets it. "As everyone else in the House heard I asked a perfectly reasonable question. Is it parliamentary to respond by accusing another member of sounding as if he'd taken mid altering substances?" Big laughs in the Commons.
12:35 – Cameron says: "I completely respect the honourable gentleman. I made a light-hearted remark. If it caused any offence I quite happily withdraw it." And with that, we're done. Labour MPs shouting "Shame". Tory MPs jubilant. That last bit was the cherry on the top for Cameron. At least he looked like he could take a joke.
12:36 – Ok, we're done here. That was as unappetising as usual. And I feel considerably more ill than I was before. We'll have news and a verdict from our correspondent in the Commons Chamber with you in a jiffy. See you next week.
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