PMQs as-it-happened

11:47 – Morning. Starting a bit late so let's get on with it. We've got PMQs in just over ten minutes, followed by David Cameron's statement on the G8 summit. I was going to predict that Ed Miliband would lead on Syria, which shadow foreign secretary Douglas Alexander has been particularly vocal about recently. Labour is ready to make a big deal of opposing arming the rebels, with the keen sense that most of the Commons and the public agrees with them. But with the G8 statement coming immediately afterwards that may take a back seat to other matters, for half an hour at least. Health? Legal aid? Who knows. Not me. The usual caveats apply: There will be typos aplenty (corrected later), several matters of specific factual inaccuracy and a general disregard for journalistic standards. Kick off is at 12:00 BST.

11:58 – It's Cabinet Office questions at the moment. Absolutely gripping, as you'd expect. Something about community projects in Bolton West. Not that Bolton West isn't obviously marvellous, mind. Personally, I'm fascinated by what's happening to its community projects.

11:59 – Francis Maude is Montgomerie Burns from the Simpsons. Don't say that he isn't. He obviously is.

12:00 – Kris Hopkins, whose best quality is the spelling of his Christian name, asked about something but I couldn't keep paying attention because it was too boring. Iain McKensie (Lab, deeply unsound spelling of his Christian name) wants to promote trust in statistics given government manipulation. A fair point. The coalition is shameless about numbers.

12:02 – And we're off. Cameron says Steven green, former chair of HSBC is standing down as trade minister. Ian Livingstone, chief exec of BT will take on the role.

12:03 – Damian Hinds is the first to ask a question – obviously planted by Tory whips – on trained teachers. Cameron does his part. "There are people who teach, including those on the benches of the party opposite". Apparently the MP for Stoke on Trent Central. He'll be banned by his own party's policy. "This policy is another example of brotherly love." Miliband is getting a kicking and he hasn't even stood up yet.

12:05 – When he does get up he demands government support for measures to criminalise misbehaving bankers. Cameron gives it. "I'm glad he supports criminal penalties. Will the government put down appropriate amendments to the banking bill?" Cameron: "We will be using that bill." Both men trying to look tougher than the other.

12:06 – "If the government doesn't put down the amendments, we will," Miliband says. Now he moves on to demands for government power to break up banks along retail and investment lines. "The government has so far refused to implement that recommendation." Cameron does a little bit attacking Ed Balls for his record in government. Nothing you haven't heard before, but Cameron's on good form today. You can tell because Clegg looks more glum than usual.

12:08 – Last week's ONS figures showed 64% higher bonuses than a year ago. Cameron: "Bank bonuses are about a fifth of what they were when he was in the Treasury." Lots of glass houses. A whole vista of glass houses, in fact.

12:10 – Miliband gets out the quote of Cameron saying the problems of the last ten years are "too much regulation". This, it goes without saying, was before the financial crisis.

12:11 – It goes on and on. Entirely vacuous. "He cannot deny the figures I read out to him," Miliband says. He never really recovered from Cameron's decision to back criminal penalties for bankers. The rest was just selective quotes taken from various points in the last five years. Unappetising. "Another display of extraordinary weakness," Cameron says. Snap verdict: Cameron: 1 Miliband: 0.

12:15 – Sir Edward Leigh (Con, falling apart) praises Cameron over the EU referendum vote. "It is possible to be Conservative, popular and right at the same time," he says. The fact he is being nice to the prime minister is obviously disconnected from the fact he was recently knighted.

12:16 – Cameron is putting bit of effort into tearing up Labour's education policy. They support free schools but won't make any more of them, he says. He seems to get a slam dunk by citing a school Labour specifically praised and then observing it is a free school. Cameron intent on savaging the education announcement and so far he has been pretty effective at it.

12:18 – Bit more Bercow/Cameron soap opera there. He slaps down the PM for constantly referring to the policies of the last government, rather than his own. He won't let Cameron respond. The loathing continues.

12:20 – Bill Cash, God help us. He asks about helping women in the developing world. He wants Cameron to back the gender equality bill. Unlike him to stand up and talk about something that isn't Europe. "It's not necessarily the bill we would all expect him to produce," Cameron observes.

12:22 – Julian Brazer on the Tory benches asks about Syria. He wants more support for Lebanon and Jordan, "two fragile neighbouring states". Good question. Cameron says the Lebanese army plays an important role.

12:25 – Hazel Blears asks a question about unpaid internships. She wants minimum wage regulations rigorously enforced. That would remove half of the Westminster bubble. "It's a difficult area to get right," Cameron says. He says that short internships are positive, but their use to replace workers is a problem. Mike Thornton, the new Eastlegh MP, gets a little stroppy while asking a question about his local hospital. Lots of handbags noises. Caroline Lucas, parliament's only Green MP, says there is a link between portraying women as sex objects in the media, and harassment. She wants the Sun removed from the parliamentary estate. Cameron is a bit hesitant. "I'm glad she got her question asked after the dazzling T-shirt she wore last week failed to catch the Speakers eye." He doesn't agree, won't do it.

12:30 – Kevin Barron, on Labour's benches, asks if Lynton Crosby has lobbied him on plain cigarette packs. Cameron says no. The only thing they discuss is how to "destroy the credibility of the Labour party" but he's not as good at it as Labour is. Excellent answer, well delivered.

12:32 – OK, we're onto the statement now.

12:34 – He says Northern Ireland put on its "best face". Small cheer. Cameron outlines his Three T's agenda on tax and transparency, as well as the agreement to not pay ransoms in terrorist events and then he mentions Syria, in a slightly more downbeat manner.

12:36 – Cameron says he is trying to ensure that natural resources are a blessing, not a curse, as he discusses action on gas and oil companies. There's nothing new yet – not that we were expecting there to be.

12:40 – On Syria: Cameron says his conversations with Putin were frank. "There is no military victory to be won. We must focus on our ultimate goal of a political solution." he reels off the seven point agreement which received such a lukewarm reception yesterday.

12:43 – "Of course we must think carefully about any course of action, but we must accept what Assad wants us to believe – that the only alternative to his rule is extremism." He says the first step is agreement with international powers. That's now done. So they look to a Geneva 2 peace conference. Cameron ends his statement.

12:45 – Miliband praises Cameron for holding the summit in Northern Ireland. It would have been unthinkable just a few years ago, he observes.

12:47 – When does Cameron expect Geneva 2 to take place? Does he accept that his commitments on transition arrangements were all made a year ago? How does it move us towards political solution in concrete terms? Would he arm the rebels before Geneva 2 takes place? Was lifting the EU arms embargo the right strategy? "We did not win at the summit. We need to be candid about that. Can I urge him in the months ahead to proceed with the greatest possible clarity?" Miliband says. As expected, a tough response on Syria.

12:50 -Cameron is replying. The decision was taken to prioritise the substance of the Geneva conference, rather than setting up too quick a date. On the lack of change in the agreement, he says Russia is now backing the full executive powers for a transitional authority. The language and approach on chemical weapons is new. "I appreciate the fact he has tried to provide consensus on issues of foreign policy and I hope we can re-forge that consensus in the months ahead," Cameron says. He defends the EU embargo decision, saying its built pressure. He again says Assad wants us to believe that the only alternative to him is extremism. That's a dodgy argument and doesn't really respond to the central concern of sceptics, which is that the arms will find their way into the hands of extremist – not that all rebels are extremists.

12:54 – OK, we'll leave it there for now. See you next week when we'll have an extra super duper edition to celebrate the new spending review. And then we'll all lose our jobs and fight each other for food.