Veep competition: The winning f***ing entries

A few days ago we asked you to provide your best Armando Iannucci-style rant for a chance to win three copies of Veep Season One. Well the entries are in, the winners are picked, and we have just about recovered from the tidal wave of filth which hit our inbox. Below are our three favourite entries and some of the runners up. We've asterixed out the swearing but beware – there are some pretty off-colour thoughts down there. Proceed with caution.

The winners

You stand less chance of getting re-elected than the errant skin flakes you're leaving on my carpet. The dead cells you shed have more potential than you, politically speaking. You know why? Because getting away from you means they have some sense of f***ing ambition. They're going up in the world.

You stand less chance of getting re-elected than a recently-f***ing-dead zoophilic Top of the Pops presenter from the 70s. You're not just a single c*** but a f***ing squalid hyperc*** – a 4-dimensional c*** inside another c*** inside another c***, a mess of scandalous w***ery, s***headed incompetence and obstinate persistence in the face of every bit of evidence of what works, with a face like Michael Gove artificially in-f***ing-seminating a crackhead's puke and less good policy than the orgasmic grunts of the biannual gangbang of the 1922 Committee. Not to mention less sex appeal.

You stand less chance of getting reelected than John F***ing Kennedy (that's what the 'F' stands for). You, my dear, are the ruptured frenulum on the shrivelled cock of electoral impotence.

And the runners up…

You stand less chance of getting reelected than an abortion doctor named F*** You America.

You stand less chance of getting re-elected than a Republican in an Aaron Sorkin movie

You stand less chance of getting re-elected than Saddam Hussein has of winning a game of f***ing hang-man.

You stand less chance of being re-elected than the charred remnants of Hitler's moustache, if their campaign video showed them being shoved up Jeremy Clarkson's arse while he danced on the grave of Mother Theresa to the tune of Jedward singing 'Deutschland Uber Alles' and Jimmy Savile impersonators did the f***ing can-can in the background.

You stand less chance of getting elected than f***ing wee Jack McJack, the s***-eating champion of f***ing Dundee 1974, because when wee Jack McJack turned up people listened to him. They cared about what he had to say, even though all he put in his mouth was f***ing faeces, because what came out was f***ing pearls of wisdom. Somehow he turned all that s*** into gold, like a stinky f***ing Midas. You're the opposite, you useless mouth-breathing waste of f***ing oxygen. You get fed f***ing five star food with the silver spoon that your parents should have choked you with and you still manage to produce nothing but s***, runny faecal matter that bubbles from between your lips and spills down your chin and stains your £200 shirt from Overpriced C***s & Company. You will not get re-elected, you cock, because the only time you'll get an audience is when we finally put you in the ground. And when we do, son, I guarantee I'll be there, just to make sure you don't get up again.

You stand less chance of getting re-elected than poli-f*** have of being more f***ing popular than more like. C***s.


What does the Vice President of the United States of America actually have to do besides the duties the President chooses to avoid? Find out when VEEP: The Complete First Season is released on Blu-ray and DVD on 3 June 2013 from HBO Home Entertainment.

Starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld) in her recent Emmy® award-winning turn as Vice President Selina Meyer (Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series), VEEP is an up close and politically (in)correct look at the daily successes and disappointments of being second in command. VEEP follows former Senator Meyer and her staff as they attempt to make their mark without getting tripped up in the day-to-day political games that define life on Capitol Hill.

Meyer's inner circle includes her Chief of Staff Amy (Anna Chlumsky; My Girl, In The Loop), long time press spokesperson Mike McClintock (Matt Walsh; Ted, The Hangover), right hand and body man Gary (Tony Hale; Arrested Development, Stranger Than Fiction) and secretary Sue (Sufe Bradshaw; Star Trek, Dance Flick) – all of whom often do battle with ambitious interloper Dan Egan (Reid Scott; My Boys, Amusement) and smug White House liaison Jonah (Tim Simons; Days Together).

Created by BAFTA® award winning writer Armando Iannucci (The Thick of It, In the Loop), this eye-wateringly hilarious comedy is shot in an improvisational style giving a very candid look at what it's like to hold the least effectual post in the most powerful office in the world.

Get a dose of power when VEEP: The Complete First Season is released on Blu-ray, DVD and Digital Download on 3 June from HBO Home Entertainment.