PMQs as-it-happened

11:33 – Hey, remember PMQs? It's this thing where the prime minister stands up and has to answer questions from the leader of the opposition and MPs. I know it sounds whacky. It's all about accountability and democratic scrutiny and stuff. Anyway, it used to be this big thing, the highlight of the political week, but then the prime minister decided he didn't like it anymore, so he stopped doing it. Well, it's back. Ed Miliband vs David Cameron: the real deal. Kick off is at 12pm, so in a few short minutes you'll be able to remember how utterly dispiriting it is.

11:47 – Theresa Villiers is currently fighting off Northern Ireland questions. People often complain when I comment on her looks, so let me be generous: She looks like something is sucking away her life force. She's what superman would look like if he were trapped in a room with Kryptonite for six years.

11:51 – Miliband has a major problem, as George Eaton from the Staggers points out. His first PMQs against Cameron saw him attack cuts to child benefit. But today his people are putting out whispers that they won't reverse those cuts if the party gets back into power. That comes on the back of this week's Ed Balls speech, which seemed to accept the core tenants of austerity and accept the end of universal welfare by means testing the winter fuel payment. So what do the Tories do about that? They don't appear to be sure. Labour is manoeuvring ahead of the general election and the Tory response today will be telling.

11:58 – Gideon is in. He is looking marginally more brain damaged than usual.

11:59 – And we're off.

12:02 – Lots of ironic cheers for Cameron's presence from the Labour benches. As predicted, Cameron has already mentioned Labour's child benefit policy.

12:03 – Douglas Carswell (Con, furiously independent) celebrates the potential return of his legislative baby – MP recall. He wants guarantees it's triggered by constituents, not a parliamentary body. Cameron won't give it to him. Miliband's up.

12:04 – Miliband leads on A&E. "What's gone wrong?" he asks. "Not a word about what he said two years ago. What complete confusion and weakness from the leader of the opposition," Cameron replies. "People need to know his. We are now meeting our targets for A&E."

12:05 – Miliband calls his answer complacent. Cameron says in England, where the Tories are in charge, the targets are hit. in Wales, where Labour's in charge, they don't. Miliband: "We've got a prime minister who says 'crisis, what crisis'. It's not good enough." The Labour leader reels out some worrying figures on A&E.

12:07 – Clegg looks frankly bored. Osborne is lost in some violent dream. Cameron lists some unconvincing stats about how well the NHS is doing. Miliband is unimpressive in this exchange, but Cameron looks evasive. Basically, that's been true for two years now. Miliband says a quarter of NHS walk-in centres were closed in the first year of the coalition. That's why the A&E problem happened. Cameron: "I accept in the first quarter of this year there were problems and we need to get to the bottom of them." Cameron blames the Labour contract for GPs.

12:10 – Miliband's rebuttal is much better. He laughs at the coalition blaming a ten year old contract for what's happening now. Then he goes for the jugular – the NHS reform move diverted resources away from NHS care. Potentially devastating argument., Cameron clearly on back foot. "If people want to know what went wrong under Labour, they only have to look at the Mid Staffs hospital." Low blow from Cameron there. Gone are the days he wouldn't play politics with that issue. Then he relies on the Wales example again – for the fourth time now. Miliband is summing up: "History repeating itself. our NHS is not safe in their hands." Cameron looks flustered. "In the week that was all about their economic relaunch, they can't talk about their economic policy. On the economy they are weak, they are divided and they are the same old Labour."

12:14 – I'll give that one to Miliband by 2 to 1. Neither man was very impressive, but the Labour leader looked less flustered. However, that is followed by a much better spell from Cameron. He points at Labour and asks why it won't back a referendum on the EU. "The people's party does not trust the people". Not a bad line – won't be the last time you hear it.

12:15 – As Cameron reddened, Balls did some top quality heckling: "Get him a glass of water," he says to Osborne.

12:17 – OK, joke from Cameron. "I've been in Ibiza, but it appears the opposition has been taking policy altering substances."

12:19 – On we go. John Woodcock (Lab, teeny-tiny) tries again on MP recall. Cameron won't budge. He wants there to be a cause – not the 10% of registered voters supporting a petition, which supports want. Cameron's point is not altogether unfair. He is wary of vexatious efforts again MPs who have done nothing wrong.

12:23 – Gideon is now having a nice dream. He is almost smiling. Therese Coffey (Con, wet blanket, dreadful jacket) asks about a potential water tragedy and wants the PM to thank volunteer coastguards. Phillip Davies (Con, right week and quite mad) asks a good question. he says watching the TV in hospital is £6 a day. Staggering. Why is it so high? "Many an hour I've spent battling with that very complicated telephone credit card system," Cameron says. "But these are devolved decisions."

12:28 – Jeremy Lefroy (Con, bland) asked something but I had a minor stroke and can't remember it.

12:29 – Cameron attacks Labour again – "so many U-turns they should be having a Grand Prix". Is that how you spell it? Think I got it right. Also: crap metaphor.

12:31 – Bernard Jenkin (Con, distinctly creepy) asks what's standing in the way of Trident replacement. Cameron assures him he's committed to it. Jim Dobbin (Lab, Mr Miyagi) talks about the family of Lee Rigby. Respectful hush in the House. He wants the PM to commend the people of Middleton for their strong but respectful tribute to the family.

12:34 – And that's that. Pretty average session. Now that it's back we can all remember how little we missed it. Anyway, we're back for more next week unless they're planning on having another recess. After all, MPs have been working for at least three days now, so they'll need a break soon. See you then.