PMQs as-it-happened

11:45 – Here we are again, the never-ending cycle of despair and tedium which configure politics in modern Britain. Ed Miliband will be on your TV screens later, so make sure to switch off about 6ish when his party political broadcast comes up. In the meantime, I will describe his face to you in reassuring, non-direct language, like an accusation of sexual harassment in Nick Clegg's office, so as not to disturb your lunch.

11:55 – Theresa Villiers, who always looks like a ghost frightened of its own reflection, is just finishing up Northern Ireland questions, where they are debating issues of such substance it makes the rest of the UK's business seem flippant.

11:57 – Hard to know what Miliband will focus on today. There's George Osborne tottering off to Europe to try to stop a restriction on bankers' bonuses. But I imagine he'll be more tempted by Theresa May and Phillip Hammond's not-so-subtle leadership manoeuvres. There's also Eastleigh of course, but Labour came such a poor fourth he may opt to stay off the subject altogether. For once, Miliband and Cameron should have something they can agree on: What happened in Eastleigh stays in Eastleigh.

12:00 – Speaking of the dynamic duo, May and Hammond are right this second chatting happily on the front bench. The cheek.

12:02 – Ian Paisley (DUP, didn't get enough attention as a child) asks something, but he is so angry and shouty I could only make out the phrase "Republicans murdered Protestants in cold blood". OK, here we go.

12:03 – Dereck Twigg (Lab, bank manager) kicks off with the bedroom tax, as if last week's session never ended. Will Cameron drop it, Twigg asks. I doubt he'll say yes. "This is not a tax," Cameron says. He's still fighting the PR battle on this. "Only Labour could call a benefit reform a tax increase." He lists who is exempt.

12:04 – Tracey Crouch (Con, a little nervous) asks what the government is doing to support those with dementia. Cameron says we need to treat it like we do heart disease or strokes.

12:06 – Miliband is up. "I'd like to ask the PM about an individual case which has been raised with me," he says. John in London has a salary of one million quid and is worried that EU regulation might cap his bonus at two million. What will the PM do? Good start, nice and sarcastic. Cameron angrily slaps him down, prompting strong support from the benches behind him. Miliband: "He sent his chancellor to Europe yesterday to argue against the bonus cap."

12:07 – Why are Cameron and Osborne the only people who want bigger bonuses for bankers? Cameron: "As ever he is completely wrong. We have some of the toughest rules on bonuses and transparency of any major financial centre anywhere in the world. We're not going to listen to them." He subtly moves on to defending his course of action, with the usual of course – not frightening away investment.

12:09 – Cameron seems genuinely angry. Miliband: "This is the man who in opposition said there would be a day of reckoning for the bankers and now he sends his chancellors to fight the bonus cap." He reads from Cameron's 2008 strategy, which says the problem of the last decade was "too much regulation".

12:10 – "John the banker will take heart," Miliband says. Now he moves on to disabled people affected by the bedroom tax, I think we can all see where he's going with this. Cameron angrily demands Miliband apologise for the "mess he left in this country". This is spectacularly bad-tempered. The Tories are extremely excited. "The more noise, the longer it takes, the longer we'll be here," Bercow says. Miliband presses on.

12:11 – "The prime minister has a new tactic of asking me questions. I look forward to seeing him in opposition. The home secretary shakes her head. I'm looking forward to facing her in opposition." Good stuff from Miliband, who's been mostly on the back foot. Will Cameron admit most disabled people hit by the bedroom tax get no help from his hardship fund?

12:13 – Cameron, much calmer now, says Miliband's figures are completely wrong. Now he reads a letter from a pensioner who said they are terrified of the change because of Miliband's "irresponsible" campaign. Miliband: "I think what that means is there was nothing in the briefing on the question I asked." Miliband suddenly on the front foot, looking much better briefed and quite convincing. Cameron insists he's wrong because anyone with "severely disabled children is exempt".

12:14 – I don't know the details so can't speak for the veracity of what they're saying, but Cameron looks less angry and more uncertain than he did at the start of the session.

12:15 – "I think we've established today the prime minister doesn't understand his own policies. It is shameful. He pulls out all the stops to defend bankers and their bonuses but he has nothing to say about people being hit by the bedroom tax. It's no wonder his backbenchers think he's completely out of touch." Cameron: "They wouldn't support changes to child benefit, to DLA, to council tax benefit, they have opposed £83 billion of welfare spending. They have nothing to offer, only debt, debt and more debt."

12:17 – Mark Prichard (Con, growing at an extraordinary pace but only to the sides) asks about international women's day, but he's called before he expected it and is, frankly, all over the place.

12:18 – Snap verdict: Cameron: 1 Miliband: 2. It was hardly a knockout, but Cameron's tactic of trying to escape questions by firing them at Miliband didn't work as well as last week. Miliband at least had a snappy response prepared for it. Most importantly, it sounded like the Labour leader was simply more on top of the details of a policy than Cameron.

12:20 – Cameron is asked to welcome the new MP for Eastleigh, Martin Horwood suggests. He suggests governing parties can win tight by-election. Cameron: "I will certainly welcome the member for Eastleigh… for the duration of this parliament." Debbie Abrahams (Lab, Witches of Eastwick) asks about the withdrawal of the NHS competition regulations. Cameron says there is an attempt to create an entirely false argument here. This is a matter I do know the details of and can speak to the veracity of Cameron's argument: There isn't any. He's wrong. Or possibly he doesn't understand competition law.

12:23 – Jeremy Lefroy (Con, so dull he's barely visible) asks something but I drifted off. Chi Onwurah (Lab, coolest Christian name in the Commons) attacks the bedroom tax again. That's three weeks of planned questions from labour, they clearly think they are on to a winner. On the front bench, Ed Balls, Maria Eagle and Miliband are all enjoying a joke about something. Claire Perry (Con, man hands) wants Cameron to celebrate police for stopping attacks against women. Cameron does so. It would be nice if he once refused to do so. "Nope, not today, don't feel like it."

12:26 – Ronnie Campbell (Lab, trade union through and through) asks about "bankers spivs and speculators" getting away with stuffing their pockets. Cameron: "When his honourable friends were in charge the bonuses were higher. He can try to wave it away, but those two were sitting in the casino when the wheel stopped spinning."

12:27 – Sarah Champion (Lab, wearing the worst jumper since the 80s) asks about young people and employment. Cameron offers a competent answer, back on form. Julian Sturdy (Con, animated Wurzel Gummage) says Labour opposed every step to bring immigration down. Cameron jumps on it to celebrate the fall in net numbers (although most of it came from students).

12:29 – Steve Reed (Lab, must have been a copper in a previous life) raises questions about… well, coppers. Cameron says his figures are wrong.  Bob Russel (Lib Dem, appalling yellow waistcoat) brings up Eastleigh. How are talks with Ukip going? Cameron tells him the waistcoat is great. "If he reveals it a bit further we'll see the…" Cameron is referring to the Lib Dem logo, but when Russel starts unveiling himself Cameron starts to look disturbed. "Right, OK," he says, suddenly frowning.

12:31 – Cameron defends the 50p tax rate cut, arguably his least intelligent policy decision in a rather long list of them. Andrew Bridgen (Con, barely awake) complains about HS2. Maybe the speed of it will slap him out of his perpetual nap. ELfyn Llwyd (Plaid, don't look at the moustache) raises adoption and Cameron says it's time to make progress on it. Villiers looks up at him, still terrifying and terrified.

12:34 – Stella Creasy (Lab, bright young thing) welcomes Cameron's comments on payday loan companies, but she wants a cap on their interest rates. Cameron won't budge. Balls shouts at him for it, doing his thing.

12:36 – And that's your lot. We now have William Hague commenting on Syria. I'll leave it there. Not a bad session today, by which I mean that I remain indoors and have not leapt weeping out the window. See you next week.