PMQs as-it-happened

11:29 – Morning all. Lovely weather. The sun is out, the temperature's perfect. Women are wearing summer dresses, looking lovely. London has that glorious optimism you get when British people come out of hibernation. What better way to spend it than glued to a laptop screen, reading about exhausted, cynical men attacking each other in rooms with no windows? Kick off is at 12:00. The usual caveats apply: there will be plenty of typos and probably a handful of embarrassing factual errors.

11:37 – You may have noticed a couple of changes around here. You won't need to keep on pressing refresh anymore, the page should refresh itself – unless there's some kind of unpredictable technical cock-up, but that never happens. You can tweet us with our very own live blog hashtag #LivePolitics. And there's a pretty cool little Facebook widget on the right where you can chat about what's going on. I know. We're very fashionable. You're probably not cool enough to be friends with us.

11:55 – My prediction for the Ed Miliband attack is the Beecroft report, which managed to single-handedly revive every stereotype about nasty Tories. What if your boss sacks you because he simply doesn't like you? Well, that's a price worth paying. That type of thing. Well the government commissioned it, got a bit worried, did a cack-handed job of hiding it, and then watched as business secretary Vince Cable branded it bonkers. Beecroft said he was a socialist. Miliband will presumably risk the tag himself when he attacks it, if he does, which he probably will.

11:59 – By the way, we'll be sticking about for a bit after the session, for the statement on the G8 and Nato summits in Washington and Chicago respectively.

12:00 – Andrew Mitchell (remember him? Thought not) is wrapping up international development questions as Big Ben chimes.

12:01 – And we're off.

12:02 – Karen Bradley (Con, little bit nervy) asks a planted question about whether Cameroon "shivers" when he imagines a Labour government economic programme. It echoes the IMF boss and gives Cameron an easy in.

12:03 – Miliband is up. He starts on Beecroft, explaining the report. Then he quotes Cable. "Who does the PM agree with?"

12:04 – Cameron says it's important to boost employment and says the report had some good ideas. He's quite unapologetic. "It was a good report and it's right we take forward it's best measures." Milband says he's not answering. He wants to know if he agrees employers should be able to sack employees at will. Conservatives love it, Lib Dems hate it. "Who does he agree with?"

12:05 – Cameron says it's about micro-businesses not normal businesses. "He must worry about being fired at will for being incompetent." Little laugh. Miliband: "I wonder how long it took him to think that one up." Miliband quotes the "price worth paying" line. Cameron evades. "While he's on his feet he might welcome the fact unemployment is falling."

12:06 – "When it comes to ordinary workers [it's the Beecroft report], when it comes to Andy Coulson and the culture secretary, it's all about second chances," Miliband says. He asks what it says that he commissions millionaires to do reports on sacking people while giving them tax cuts. Cameron says his government commissions reports and accepts bit and rejects other bits. "He just takes instructions from his union paymasters."

12:07 – Miliband: "This isn't about the trade unions." The proposal is a symbol of the government's failure on growth. "Doesn't the PM understand how out of touch he sounds when he says 'things are moving in the right direction'?" Cameron says it is about the trade unions – he get's paid by Unite, who threaten a strike over the Olympics. "People need too know, you've got two parties acting in the national interest and an opposition party acting on union interests." Miliband counters: The millionaire donors push money towards Tories when they get their tax cuts from Osborne. "The nasty party is back," he says. Cameron reels off a list of measures – planning laws, corporation tax etc. "It's only Labour that thinks the answer is more borrowing, more debt."

12:10 – Score draw there (I think we have more questions to come – I wasn't keeping count but it seemed short). So far it's 1-1. Pretty uninspiring stuff, for the second week in a row.

12:11 – Gary Streeter (Con, Madam Tussaud in the heat) asks a planted question about the NHS and improved results. Cameron lists off useful stats. He sounds more like Gordon Brown everyday.

12:13 – Gisela Stuart (Lab, marvellous accent) asks about an export scheme which has been rolled into an export guarantee scheme….. etc. Andrea Leadsom (Con, gin and After Eights) asks a tedious question about early intervention. Cameron says her work does her huge credit.

12:15 – This place might as well not have any Lib Dems. No-one to be found. They're like the elephant in the room. Nigel Dodds (DUP, very much DUP) bangs on about prisoner votes. Cameron says he'll fight any attempt to make him allow prisoner votes. "This should be a matter for parliament to decide."

12:17 – There are no Lib Dems – precisely none – on the front bench. The government has never looked more Tory. Jack Dromney (Lab, horror embryo) wants a fair deal for Birmingham. Cameron should meet with local councillors. He says he will and blabbers on about providing economic growth.

12:18 – Stella Creasy (Lab, Twitter party) asks about loan sharking, which she forced an amendment on yesterday, just for Tories and Lib Dems to ruin it. Chris Pincher (Con, never been happy) celebrates the improvement in the economy. "This country is on the right track" etc. If this is what success looks like…. Cameron says some firms are expanding and growing. Ian Wright (Lab, softly-spoken) makes the opposite point, highlighting unemployment numbers.

12:22 – We've found a Lib Dem! Julian Huppert (er…Lib Dem, mad scientist) asks about science funding and protecting investment. He wants the funding guaranteed for the next funding review – Cameron can't promise that. A question on police budgets prompts Cameron to insist Labour would be doing the same thing if it was in power.

12:23 – A Tory MP attacks the Green party for siding with anarchists in supporting squatters. Keith Vaz (Lab, sort of) asks about UKBA bonuses. Given the queues at the airports and their general failure "does he agree we should be rewarding success not failure". Cameron says he does agree. "There's no place for a presumption of good service." In terms of Heathrow he says it's important we continue to make progress.

12:25 – Cameron mocks Labour for not talking about the IMF report yesterday, given it was broadly warm, with the caveat that it was describing a deeply traumatised economy. Nic Dakin (Lab, broken record) celebrates the decent hard working people of Scunthorpe and attacks Tory rich donors. Cameron says the unions own Labour "lock, stock and bloc vote" – but his donors never influence policy.

12:28 – Cameron says Ed Balls is "a muttering idiot sitting opposite me".

12:29 – Obviously that sets off the Commons. Bercow orders Cameron to retract the word "idiot". Cameron replaces it with "the man who left us this enormous deficit". That was the moment of the session.

12:30 – That came at the end of 27 minutes of ribbing. Balls has been at Cameron the whole time, asking how many bottles of wine he'd drunk today (a reference to the 'chillaxing' row). When Cameron lashed out Balls looked incredibly pleased with himself.

12:31 – Phillip Davies (Con, slightly to the right of Genghis Khan) asks about public sector pensions. Can you guess what his opinion is?

12:32 – Davies said he and the PM both considered him a man who should not be promoted. Cameron, at the end of his reply, said: "I've got plans for the honourable gentleman." Interesting.

12:34 – "Watch your back" Labour people tell Davies. Bercow makes a short statement as the session comes to an end. Aung San Suu Kyi has been invited to England. She has agreed to address members of both houses on Thursday 21st June. That's a major honour and a big political statement.

12:37 – Cameron starts his statement. Again he insists France is cutting the deficit faster than the UK – you can see his nervousness over Hollande's election. He says he is doing everything he can to get trade moving. "The greatest risk facing the eurozone is the situation in Greece" he says. He reiterates that the Greek elections are basically a referendum on Greece's place in the eurozone. "Whatever the outcome this government will do whatever is necessary to protect this country."

12:39 – George Osborne looks broken, even for him. Phillip Hammond's mouth has become so slovenly it is barely attached to his face. Cameron moves onto Nato. Some people write it off as a relic of the past, but he thinks it's vital. He moves on to the threat of failed states and the need to prepare for future conflicts, not just protection of Europe and America. Online, all the chatter is still about Cameron's "muttering idiot" line. Could it be the next "calm down dear"?

12:42 – Miliband gets up. Will he be consensual or hostile? Let's see. He welcomes Afghan announcements.

12:44 – Miliband says the international community has spent a long time talking about "talks about talks" about political settlements, without actually getting stuck in. Now we're on the economy, it's going to get brutal. "He did entertain this side of the House with his description of President Hollande as his best buddy given he endorsed his opponent." When the Foreign Office briefed on this they said "it was an error of judgement and not to be advised…. the prime minister has a habit of shooting from the hip." Miliband adds to it: "That's certainly true" referencing the attack on Balls. Miliband says the international community is divided – Hollande and Obama calling for a decisive shift.

12:46 – "For two years he has been the high priest of austerity" but it's not working. "That's why he's desperately scrabbling around" calling Hollande his mate. He quotes from the IMF report, but not in Cameron's glowing terms. "Policies to bolster demand are needed" it reads. Miliband: "That's not his line. We have a PM who has presided over a double dip recession lecturing others on what to do with their economy." Miliband is doing very well here, laughing at all the photos of Cameron at the gym and watching football at the G8 meeting, but not him actually trying to fix the economy. "Where's the photo of that?"

12:49 – "After his experience of the French election" perhaps Cameron would have realised it was unwise to lecture the Greeks on their own vote, Miliband suggests. "He can't be part of the solution because he's part of the problem. All he offers is more austerity." Cameron starts weakly. "Five minutes and no plan. It's a good joke about Sarkozy. But I'd rather have a reputation for being loyal to my friends than knifing my brother." Ouch.

12:51- Cameron rattles through the areas they agree – Afghanistan etc. he gets onto Hollande. He said the "national debt is the enemy of the left and the enemy of France". Cameron wants Miliband to adapt that. Hollande has ruled out extra public spending. Nobody in Europe, not even the far-left in Greece would back Miliband's plan of extra borrowing, he says.

12:53 – We move on to backbench MPs. And I'll bring the blog to a halt there too. Not much heat today and not much light either. But there is a chance that "muttering idiots" line will stick around for a while. It's fascinating how difficult Cameron finds it to stay in control at these things. You could see in his face afterwards that he had irritated himself by losing his cool, which was, of course, precisely Ball's intention. Well it's (another) parliamentary recess so they're off for three weeks. Yeah, I know – for what's basically a half term. We'll see you on the other side of it, although they'll be live blogs of the Leveson inquiry in the mean time. Enjoy the summer weather.